If You Could Only Feel (Buchanan Brothers Series Book 3) Read online

  Mason’s phone felt heavy in my hand. Shame like I’ve never known slithered throughout my body. I’ve always prided myself on my unwavering loyalty for those who I loved, but in this moment, my loyalty didn’t mean shit, because I hadn’t been loyal to Justice, in the least.

  I looked up at my big brother and having to admit that I knew nothing about Justice’s life was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I knew every inch of her body and I knew that I’ve loved her since I was 15, but that’s it. I knew very little about what she enjoyed outside the bedroom and I knew she worked for a doctor of some sort doing clerical stuff. And I knew she had a friend named Beatrice whom I’ve never met. “I…I don’t know, Mase,” I confessed. “She could be there for work or something with her friend Beatrice?”

  Mason looked sad for me and that gutted me. “Was she right, Gabriel?” he asked. “Have you guys only been having sex for the past six years? Do you really know nothing about her?”

  My jaw clenched, and I’d never felt so disgusted with myself. “It’s more than sex, Mason,” I said, looking him in the eye. “But…but it’s always just sex, if that makes sense.”

  “I get it, Gabe,” he replied. “I really do. Hell, I see Shane every day and it’s all I can do to keep my hands off her. So, I get that you might get carried away whenever you go see her, but…” he trailed off, looking for the right words. “But based on what happened between you two this weekend and that she’s in Las Vegas now, I’d say she’s moving on to someone else who can give her everything else that’s missing from the relationship she’s had with you.”

  “I can give it to her,” I immediately jumped in to defend myself against the unknown competition.

  Mason’s brows rose. “I have no doubt you can, Gabriel,” he agreed. “But I suggest you get on a plane now and start doing it before she has a chance to meet someone else.”

  I let his words bounce around in my head and I knew that if Justice did move on, it would be nobody’s fault but my own. “I really fucked this up, huh?”

  And the reason we all still looked up to Mason, even though we were all grown men, was clear with his next words. “Yeah, you did,” he agreed. “But once you fully accept that Dad’s not running the show anymore, I have every faith you can fix it.”

  I stood up and handed Mason his phone back. It had been pinging with emails and messages all this time, but, not once, did he ask for it back. “I should have married her years ago, Mason,” I told him, even though he already knew that to be true.

  “I know, Gabe,” he said solemnly. “She’s a good girl and we all kind of suck for not making the effort to pull her in before now.”

  I loved how he was sharing the responsibility for the mess I created. In every aspect of his life, Mason was ruthless, except when it came to us. The fact that he took time out of his day to alert me to the fact that Justice was in Vegas and how, now, he wanted me to fuck off the rest of my first week at work to go get her was just another example of how much we mean to him.

  Many people would think we were pussies if they knew the dynamics of our relationships, but I didn’t hesitate when I walked over to my brother and hugged him. “Thanks, Mase,” I gruffed out.

  He clapped me on the back. “No problem, Gabriel.”

  When I released him, I stepped back and asked, “Can you let Michael and Aiden know-”

  He waved his hand at me. “I’ll let them know,” he assured me. “Just get going before she does something you’re going to regret forever, Gabriel.” I nodded and then left Mason’s office like the devil was nipping at my heels.

  It kind of felt that way.

  It felt like I was in the race for the rest of my life.

  I knew I fucked up. I knew I should have treated her better, but it never occurred to me that Justice might be unhappy or feel unfulfilled.

  She never fucking said anything.

  Now, I know that’s not an excuse for my insensitive behavior, but…fuck, maybe Michael was right. I’m able to read everyone else like a fucking book, but Justice never gave anything away. And I didn’t bother to look too closely. I was just happy as fuck when she finally let herself become my friend. And I sure as fuck didn’t want to jinx anything when she finally let herself become much more.

  I should have eloped with her the second Shane came into the picture and Mason dethroned our father. Fuck, I should have done a lot of things differently.

  But now riding in the car to the airport, I prayed I wasn’t too late. Could I forgive her if I got there, and she told me I was too late?

  Jesus.

  The thought of another man’s hands on her was sobering. I knew she hadn’t gone out with Nathanial the same way I would be able to find her in Las Vegas. Justice had her locations on her phone turned on, and as illegal or questionable as it may have been, we had someone on retainer who was…uh, crafty with things like cell phones and all that and I had him alert me of where she’s been since I left her Saturday morning. Her phone showed that she’d only been home and to work. I think she hit the grocery store a couple of times too.

  I was boarding the company jet when I realized this was the first time I’ve ever been grateful for the opulence BI afforded us. If I had to have used an actual airport, it would have taken forever for a last-minute flight. And I didn’t want to drive the million days it would have taken me to drive there.

  I sat down, and dropping my head back against the headrest, I was finally able to take a breath and calm myself. I had to get a plan of action in place, and the first part of that plan was to stop at the first jewelry store I came across and buy a goddamn diamond.

  Chapter 9

  Justice~

  The music was lively, and the people were…well, they were in Vegas. Enough said.

  I picked the first bar I found in the first casino on the strip. It was still early by party standards, but it was still crowded enough to feel the dancing and drinking vibe.

  I sipped on my margarita, having already taken two shots of tequila, I didn’t want to be fall-down drunk before I had the chance to meet someone and see my plan through.

  It’s true what they say. Las Vegas is unlike anyplace else in the world. Its reputation gave even the shiest people the balls to do shit they never would have imagined themselves doing. You could truly drink yourself stupid and it wouldn’t be anything this place hasn’t seen already.

  No one judged and if they did, they kept it to themselves. Vegas was, both, alluring and dangerous. If there was ever a time or place where I could be a straight up whore, it was here and now.

  Not that I planned on being an outright hoebag, but I needed to start somewhere. I needed new penis, and with that, the hope I can shake Gabriel Buchanan and find some sort of happiness.

  I didn’t want much. I mean, I had a good supporting job, a nice, clean apartment, a loyal friend…I had more than most. All that was missing was love. That special someone who made me feel safe and important.

  All Gabriel made me feel was passion and heartache. It was time to move on from that.

  It was all timing when I asked the bartender to please watch my seat and I headed to the restroom to refresh myself.

  As soon as I made it inside, my phone rang. Gabriel’s name flashed across the screen and debated answering it. I almost didn’t, but I didn’t want to play games. After six years, we both deserved better than that. “Hello?”

  “Where the fuck are you?”

  Wow. Talk about having nerve. But I suppose when you grew up as a Buchanan, that nerve was ingrained since birth.

  I didn’t know if it was because I was in Vegas, or if it was because the tides were changing and coming to terms with losing Gabriel made me not afraid to lose him anymore, or if it was the tequila shots, the margaritas, or the ambiance, but for the first time in six years, I didn’t let Gabriel call the shots. “You walk out on me and ignore me for four days and then have the nerve to call me and demand to know where I’m at? How about none of your business,”
I said, all proud of myself. “That means-in case you missed it-that it’s none of your business where I’m at, Gabriel.”

  Was that a growl? “So, help me God, Justice, you better tell me where the fuck you’re at right now!”

  And because it’s Las Vegas and going back to the mention of feeling brave, I said, “I’m looking for your replacement. So, if you don’t mind…”

  I smiled at myself in the mirror, and even though it was drunk…well, buzzed girl bravery, I was still very proud of myself. Gabriel Buchanan was not going to take me for granted any longer. I was not going to be that pathetic girl; a slave to her love, waiting around for his phone call and scraps of time.

  And I was pretty sure Gabriel would be happy to get rid of me. This was his chance to walk away guilt-free and find someone worthy of the Buchanan name and the status that came with it.

  “Justice?”

  His voice snapped me out of my Olympic Gold moment of bravery. “Yes?”

  “I want you to listen to me,” he said, slowly, coldly and deliberately. “I want you to listen, and I want you to listen well.”

  My Olympic Gold moment was fading fast. “O...okay,” I eked out.

  “I will find you, Justice,” he stated, rather surely. “I will find you and if you’re with another man when I do, he will not make it out knowing you alive. Do you hear me?”

  I gasped.

  What the hell?

  Did Gabriel just threaten to kill someone?

  “Quit being ridiculous, Gabe,” I whispered into the phone.

  “Where the fuck are you, Justice?!”

  I wasn’t going to let it be that easy for him. For years he’s never had to put any effort into being with me. He’s never had to take me to dinner, to a movie, buy flowers…anything. If he wanted me now, he was going to have to work for it.

  He was going to have to work for me.

  “I’ll tell you what, Gabe,” I said, snarkily, because…again, Las Vegas brave while he was in Indiana. “If you can find me by,” I checked the time on my phone, “midnight, I’ll go with you willingly.” I heard another growl. “And by that, I mean I’ll go with you and let you do whatever you want to me.”

  Gabriel’s voice was all hardened steel. “I can already do whatever the fuck I want to you,” he reminded me.

  It was true. I really couldn’t call him on that. But while we’ve done a lot of stuff, there were still a lot of things we’ve never done before.

  It was time to point that out. “True,” I agreed. “But what if I said that if you do find me before midnight, I’ll let you do whatever you want to me, wherever you want, however you want?”

  He was quiet for a few seconds before asking, “Are you drunk, Justice?”

  I laughed. His concern might be genuine, but he was a little too late with it for me to care. “Yep, I am,” I told him honestly. “And if you don’t find me by midnight, then I guess I’ll just have to find someone else to benefit from the tequila and my unconditional…conditions.”

  “Just-” I hung up on him.

  Fuck Gabriel Buchanan.

  Fuck him and everything he makes me feel.

  I knew it was the alcohol making me feel brave. And I knew, come morning, I’d be hungover like a motherfucker, regretting my bravery. But, right now, I didn’t care.

  Right now, I wanted someone who would at least pretend to care about me, even if it was for one night. I wanted to know what it felt like to have someone care about me and not just want me for sex.

  I knew the odds of finding a guy like that in the Las Vegas scene were slim, but maybe if I could just find a nice guy who seduced instead of attacked, I could pretend.

  I gave myself one more once over and headed back out to the bar. Even though the bartender said she’d save my seat, I couldn’t really expect it of her. She had a job to do, and it wasn’t to babysit a barstool.

  When I went back out, I was pleasantly surprised to find my drink and spot still open. I caught the bartender’s eye and smiled my thanks. She smiled back, but when I went to reach for my margarita, she reached over and snatched it from my hand, replacing it with a fresh one.

  I looked up at her and she said, “Never leave your drink unattended, sweetie. Las Vegas might be exciting, but it’s also dangerous as hell.” She winked at me and went to serve her other customers.

  I sat and stared in awe at my fresh drink. It wasn’t often that I was on the receiving end of someone being so nice. A complete stranger made an effort to make sure I was safe and having a good time. It gave me hope for my mission.

  I could find a nice guy who would treat me well. They were out there. They existed. Maybe not in Las Vegas nightclubs or the bars back home, but they did exist. Maybe I needed to start getting out more and participate in community events or something.

  I shook my head; enough depressing thoughts. I wasn’t here for a pity party. I’ve had enough of those to last a lifetime.

  Katy Perry’s Dark Horse started blaring from the speakers as it hyped up the people brave enough to be dancing. I wasn’t quite that drunk yet, so I sat-danced in my seat. I loved this song. It was catchy, sexy and exciting.

  It wasn’t until the song was halfway over that I felt the prickle of electricity tingle down my spine. My entire body stilled, and my heart started beating like a marathon runner’s after a race.

  There’s only one person who created that kind of pull from me. There’s only one person who my body recognized on a most singular level like that.

  No way.

  There’s no way Gabriel was here.

  I was staring down at my drink, not moving, when a pair of sinewy, masculine arms encased in dress sleeves, rolled up to the elbow, planted on either side of me, caging me in.

  I knew it was Gabriel then, without a doubt. I’d know his scent anywhere. His front was pressed against my back and his breath tickled my ear when he leaned in and whispered, “It only took me an hour to find you, Justice.” My entire spine shivered. “So, seeing as how I met your little deadline, how about I pull that sorry excuse for a dress you’re wearing up, right here on this bar stool, whip out my dick and fuck you right here in front of everyone?”

  It took a couple of seconds to find my voice, but all I said was, “Gabriel…”

  Chapter 10

  Gabriel~

  If it wasn’t for the existence of cell phones and social media, I would have. I would have called her on her little ultimatum and fucked her at this bar in front of everyone.

  But even as pissed off as I was, even as horny as I was, even as unhinged as I was, I was in the wrong here. Justice was just doing what any other woman on the planet does, eventually. She was out looking for love. And all because she didn’t know she already had it.

  She had mine.

  I knew better than to tell her that right now though. She wouldn’t believe me. She would just think it was some last-minute manipulation tactic to calm her down. And I wouldn’t blame her.

  I didn’t blame her for any of this. I was the one who read people for a living and I completely dropped the ball with her.

  “Do you have a tab?” She didn’t voice her answer. She just shook her head no. I reached for my wallet, grabbed a hundred and threw it on the bar. It didn’t matter if she already paid or not, left a tip or not. It was time I started taking care of what was mine, and even if she didn’t know it yet, she was mine.

  I’ve just been doing a piss-poor job of it up until now.

  Justice hopped off the barstool and my hand immediately went to her waist to steady her. “Are you okay?”

  She grabbed her purse and slung the strap over her shoulder. “I’m fine,” she clipped out. Something told me my arrival was quickly killing her buzz.

  Fuck it.

  She threw down the gauntlet; it was my job to pick it up.

  I grabbed her by her arm, pushed her up against the nearest wall and crushed my lips down on hers. Her tongue tasted of tequila and her whimper was like a sad arrow straig
ht to my heart.

  I held her face in my hands as I poured every regret I was feeling into this one kiss. When I had seen her sitting by herself at the bar, my knees had almost given out with relief that I had found her alone and before midnight.

  Justice and I had never argued, had never disagreed. Two fights in one week had me wanting to force us back into our perfect little bubble where we just fucked endlessly. But I knew we couldn’t go back there. Primarily because it hadn’t been perfect for her. It had been perfect for me; I had my girl and all the time in the world to go to college, get my shit together and take my rightful place at BI. But it hadn’t been perfect for her.

  Justice had been lonely, and I wanted to kick myself in the nuts because of my cluelessness.

  Her hands gripped my shirt so tight, they threatened the strength of the buttons holding my shirt together. I was one moan from her lips away from lifting her up and fucking her up against the wall. It wasn’t until a group of guys started cattle calling that I remember that, Vegas or not, fucking in public was still technically against the law.

  Goddamn cell phones and laws.

  I pulled away, and grabbing her by her hand, dragged her behind me. I wasn’t sure where I was going, I just knew I needed to get her somewhere dark and semi-private. It wasn’t the four days without her that had me feeling desperate. We’ve gone weeks without seeing each other before. It was the unsettling feeling of possibly never being with her again that had me feeling out of sorts.

  Not to mention the kick to my ego knowing that the last time we were together I hadn’t made her cum. In six years, Justice has never failed to cum all over me. She had a hair trigger when it came to her orgasms. Once I got that first one out of the way, the following orgasms came easily. The bed was always soaked after our nights together, and her not cumming last week had really fucked with me.

  “Where are we going?” she asked, as she tried to keep up with my pace.

  I didn’t answer. I just dragged her out of the casino and walked the sidewalk looking around until I spotted a dark nook in between one of the casinos and their parking garage.